We have moved to a new site. Do come and visit us! www.thewomensroomblog.com
Middleagedad and I, having lugged what feels like the whole of Ikea, Waitrose and The White Company combined up a double flight of stairs, start to unpack middle teenageson's stuff in his new room in halls. 'You can go now ' he tells us.
We have driven the best part of a whole day to get to his new university, up the M1 where every other car we passed was jam-packed full of duvets/pillows/potted plants (girls only) and scruffy suitcases, with a teenager squished in the back seat and mum and dad -looking anxious- in the front. There are a lot of university towns up the M1.
MAD and I are exhausted and anxious and in need of a cup of tea, but middleteenageson is keen to get rid of us. We have been at the halls of residence for less than 15 minutes and he's ready to kick us out. I whimper "Shall I just make your bed? or unpack your food?" but he's having none of it, he's spotted a group of his soon-to-be-flatmates introducing themselves to each other and we are in the way. He understands what we are struggling to grasp, that he needs to do this next bit without us.
'Bye!" he says bravely, and we are out of the building (which is so old it's almost retro chic in a 60s metal windows-and-plastic-covered-stair-bannister kinda way) and heading home.
I have been getting texts from girlfriends all in similar situations for the last two weeks as we prepare our babies for leaving. We all feel the same, sad but happy, anxious but aware this next bit's nothing to do with us, mostly miserable that our maddeningly annoying but still adored teens are not going to be cluttering up the house for a while.
The weird thing for us is how we all feel like it's only been a short time since we left college, and that we can't quite come to terms with the fact that is was nearly 30 years ago that we were going through this. My friend Clare texted during the week about her son... 'To add insult to injury" she wailed "while he's packing he's playing Supertramp, at full volume!"
Supertramp was OUR soundtrack of choice when we were students- we are still word perfect on all the songs, that and Judie Tzuke, Bread, Steely Dan, Fleetwood Mac and embarrassingly -please don't mention this to anyone- Neil Diamond's The Jazz Singer. Can't they at least stick to their own music and not rub in what we know we are missing?
On the way back down the M1, in a disquietingly empty car, MAD and I go over every inch of middle teenageson's life to date, analysing how fab/clever/stupid/surprising/wonderful he has been and realise that of course he will be ok. It's really just us that have the problem. We are even going to miss the worry they cause, this morning my friend Lindsey texts to say 'Sunday morning and I am not wondering if she made it home OK last night. Am miserable about not being worried'. After 18 years of clucking, it's hard to let go.
Coming home to a house unbalanced by a missing son, MAD and I make a big fuss of remaining teenagesons, who are wary of our attention. We discover that they have wasted no time in going into missing teenagson's room and have raided his wardrobe/Xbox games/furniture. Youngest son is dressed head-to-toe in 'acquired' clothes.
I sit for a bit on missing teenageson's bed, feeling lost. Then I look around, it is FILTHY in here, I can see crockery and cutlery that's been missing for ages tucked into the wardrobe, and there are piles of old shoes and redundant sports kit that should have been thrown away yonks ago. Reality kicks in, I have absolute access to his room, which hasn't happened in years.... I reach for the pledge and a duster, now, where's my supply of black rubbish bags....
Thank you so much. My son left last wednesday. I went to the beach with husband for celebration and now back home am bereft. Your words were perfect, even state of son's room. They have to have their own lives and how exciting it is for them..... now new doors will open for me as well.
Posted by: Claudia Michel | September 20, 2010 at 02:53 AM
Claudia, I'm glad it helped, it's now Monday morning and I'm finding myself thinking 'shall I phone him to make sure he's awake for his first lesson?' but MAD is telling me to 'get a grip'. it's going to take a while! Ax
Posted by: amanda | September 20, 2010 at 08:26 AM
Cant bear the thought of it Amanda, is it wrong to hope they want to stay at home with you for ever? Yes i know it is. You need to get a puppy now
Jx
Posted by: jane | September 20, 2010 at 08:44 AM
Hi. Love your blog. This piece in particular hit a nerve as this time next year I will be in this boat (I hope!)and I'm already anxious about it.
Posted by: Karen Bradberry | September 20, 2010 at 12:52 PM
Oooooo - you are treading on dangerous ground with the clearing out the bedroom thing !!! I remember coming home from University and noticing if even one ornament was out of place - perhaps I'm a little OCD and obviously a girl - but you know - just don't make it too clean !!!
Posted by: Becky | September 20, 2010 at 05:29 PM
I know Becky, I understand this is dodgy ground, but feel a general tidy up and clean will go down well, he's a boy remember and an untidy one at that. I think he'll just be pleased to return to a neat room, altho I might have to get back to you on that one......Ax
Posted by: amanda | September 20, 2010 at 05:40 PM
will have to do lots of yoga and chanting and general spritual development stuff in run up to both my sons leaving home. fear I will fail miserably and just give in to selfish clasping and possibly bribery in order to make them stay FOREVER.
Posted by: steffi | September 20, 2010 at 09:27 PM
Aahhh ... this is all sooooo familiar. Its easier with the next one, but once the last one goes, am dreading what we may feel like!
Posted by: potterjotter | September 21, 2010 at 09:18 PM
They have to leave at some point. Remember no one wants to date a boy who still lives at home. They also don't want to date a boy whose mum still cleans his room. Do you want them to grow up alone? Do you?
Posted by: Francesca | September 23, 2010 at 12:26 PM
I think you don't realise how fortunate you are... Our daughter just failed to get her required AAA grades and now has a gap year thrust upon her. The tension in our house - as she searches desperately for work, re-thinks what she wants to do at Uni next year and has her MAD breathing ferocioulsy down her neck (he was looking forward to ruling the roost again) - is awful... I would have loved to have filled a car and transported her, all excited, to her halls of residence. (And I STILL can't get into her room to tidy.)
Posted by: Queen Bee | September 23, 2010 at 01:54 PM
Oh Queen Bee, I feel for you and I do actually know a bit how you feel. Middle teenageson had to go through clearing, having missed his first and second choice and what a nightmare THAT turned out to be. a couple of his friends also had a gap year thrust upon them and are lost and rather hurt that their mates are all off doing exciting things while they are unexpectedly not. But I'm sure that come next year, with new plans and clear heads, it will all be ok. My heart breaks for your girl, isn't it stupid to be putting this amount of pressure and hurt on them SO uneccessarily? Fingers crossed her gap year turns out to be the best thing ever....Axx
Posted by: amanda | September 25, 2010 at 01:09 PM
Francesca, you are right, of course. and when you come eventually to send your yet-to-be children off to uni I will be saying it right back to you as you weep on my shoulder......Ax
Posted by: amanda | September 25, 2010 at 01:11 PM